Wednesday, March 23, 2011

He Calls You Home - A study of fear

WARNING! 
The following poem contains language and imagery that might be offensive to some readers.


He Calls You Home

He leaves a trail like a slug;
An oily sheen that sends shivers up your back.
He blurs your vision like a drug.
A swirling set of colors fade to black.
He reeks a stench of rotting meat;
A noxious cloud of poison purple gas.
He clings like fungus to your feet.
Trips you
Fucks you
Face down in the grass.

He is the one who follows you around when it's dark,
And you're all alone.
(But you're not alone)
He is the one who breathes nightmares in your ear,
When you're at home.
(And you think you're alone)
He is the one who shits in your front yard
And throws you a bone.

So you are never alone,
He calls you home.

He screams like babies being burned;
A cacophony of haunting tortured cries.
He makes you question all you've learned.
A catastrophic brain-fart full of lies.
He pukes up poison in a bowl;
A deadly diet that will surely make you blind.
He spreads like cancer to your soul.
Traps you
Fucks you
Face down in your mind.

He is the one whose footsteps you hear late at night,
When you're alone.
(But you're not alone)
He is the one who makes you leave a light on,
When you're at home.
(And you think you're alone)
He is the one who shits on your front porch
And writes you a poem.

So you are never alone,
He calls you home.

- G. Laidlaw

© Copyright by the Author. All rights reserved. Used with permission.

Kill The Weatherman (Come on, you know you want to.)

Kill The Weatherman

I'm frozen stiff
I'm boiling mad
I've got an evil plan
Have no doubt
When I thaw out
I'll kill the Weatherman!
His forecast said
A warming trend
Was due to start today
So I thought
Why wear a coat
When I can catch some rays.
Now it's blowing snow
And bitter cold
Enough to freeze my breath
I guarantee
The Weatherman
A slow and painful death!
He's always wrong
He's never right
He always ruins my plans
If I don't die
A Popsicle
I'll kill the Weatherman!

- G. Laidlaw

© Copyright by the Author. All rights reserved. Used with permission

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Ground Zero

Once upon a time not (too many years from now) in a VERY classy restaurant on the top of the highest mountain...

Ground Zero

"Good evening Ladies and Gentleman.
Welcome to the Ground Zero Restaurant and Bar.
Drinks are on the house.
At midnight,
For your enjoyment
A thermonuclear device
Will be detonated in the Main Lounge.
Have a pleasant evening."

Wasted again but hey that's nothing new.
I'm all alone at a table set for two.
The wreck you left me, don't you know my heart bleeds.
Sometimes a holocaust is just what I need
At Ground Zero!

Sometimes I kick it out of bounds.
Sometimes I overdrive my car.
Sometimes I spread myself around.
Sometimes I take it way too far...

That's where the thrills are.
At Ground Zero!

I better slow down on this cheap remorse.
Don't wanna get too drunk for the main course.
The waiter asks me when my date will arrive.
No one should be alone when they're vaporized
At Ground Zero!

Sometimes I wear it on my face.
Sometimes I think I am a star.
Sometimes I rock it into space.
Sometimes I take it way too far...

That's where the thrills are.
At Ground Zero!

Looks like I go this one all on my own.
This is one special trip I'll take all alone.
The waiter asks me what I'd like for last call.
Sometimes a broken heart needs nothing at all
At Ground Zero!

Sometimes I wonder if it's real.
Sometimes I wonder if you are.
Sometimes I wonder what's the deal.
Sometimes I wonder if I took it to far...

To where the thrills are.
At Ground Zero!
Ground Zero!

- G. Laidlaw

© Copyright by the Author. All rights reserved. Used with permission.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Having Kids - A Non Refundable Exercise

Once while sitting with a friend enjoying some (ahem) condiments on a weekend night we began that time honored tradition of playfully insulting each other. We were ripping on each other with abandon when suddenly he said:

"You're so stupid it's a miracle you even found your way through the Microphyte Doorway"

I was taken aback because I had no idea what the heck that even meant. When pressed for an explanation he said the Microphyte Doorway is "the hole in the egg the sperm goes through." I thought that was pretty damn funny and conceded his victory in that round of insults.

That night and the term "Microphyte Doorway" was soon forgotten and for years it never crossed my mind again... until this poem poured into my head one day...

WARNING: The following poem contains language that may be offensive to some readers. Proceed with caution.

The Microphyte Doorway

He used to suckle at your breast
When he was just a babe.
Now you sit and wonder
What you and your husband made.
He likes to dress in leather.
He acts a little queer.
He's got your favorite goldfish
Stapled to his ear.
He's in trouble with the law.
You think he's smoking pot.
He says he's joined a coven
And you know he drinks a lot.
Sometimes you sit and wonder,
If he's dangerous.
Sometimes you ask your husband,
"Is it because of us?"
It's like having a monster,
Living in your home.
All the little things he does
Chill you to the bone.
When you say you love him,
And want to help him out,
"Fuck you and your stupid life"
Is all that he will shout.
You'd better hide the carving knives
When he comes home to play.
Don't you wish he had missed
The Microphyte Doorway?
The Microphyte Doorway.

She was sure a happy child.
Such a living doll.
Now she smokes the litter,
From the cat box down the hall.
She wears outlandish make-up.
She stays out late each night.
You used to have such special talks.
Now all you do is fight.
Her eyes are glazed most all the time,
Just stares off into space.
Spends just about all her time,
In some secret place.
Sometimes you sit and wonder,
If she's hooked on angel dust.
Sometimes you ask your husband
"Is it her or is it us?"
It's like having a zombie,
Living in your home.
She spends her time shooting up.
She's almost always stoned.
When you say you love her,
And you know what life's about,
She just smiles a vacant grin
Says "Wow Mom, You're far out."
You'd better hide the candy jar
When she comes home to play.
Don't you wish she had missed
The Microphyte Doorway?
The Microphyte Doorway.

-G Laidlaw

Note:- After writing this poem I began to wonder if "Microphyte Doorway" was in fact a legit medical or scientific term for the hole in the egg that a sperm penetrates to effect fertilization. I did some admittedly less than extensive research and could find no reference whatsoever to "Microphyte Doorway" in relation to eggs, sperm, fertilization or anything else which, in retrospect, makes my buddy's insult even better for its creativity.

© Copyright by the Author. All rights reserved. Used with permission.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

A Poem About Angels

Da Shang Der Flocken Harden

A sailor
Sun-blackened
Drifts upon the sea.
His craft
Barnacle-bound beneath.
Albatross
A sole observer
Of his drift in an empty space.
Eyes salted shut
Lips cracked and raw
Pull a smile to his face.

His water filled lungs can't scream
His waterlogged brain can't dream
So angels sing

Da shang der flocken harden

A hooker
Street hardened
Slumps below a sign.
Neon
Cheap rooms for rent
Reflect her mind.
Nickel bag
The sole survivor
Of her descent
A crazy ride.
Eyes rimmed with age
Arms bruised and raw
Trap the lady inside.

A ruby lipped silent scream
Heroin helped her to dream
So angels sing

Da shang der flocken harden

It's funny
Yet tragic
I think it's my turn.
You
Candle lighted
Ready to burn.
A mystery
The sole reminder
Of magic days loving you.
Eyes brim with tears
So many years
I spent wasted on you.

I'm hurting I want to scream
I see angels when I dream
And they're singing

Da shang der flocken harden
Da shang der flocken harden
Meezer ring dum ho

-G. Laidlaw

© Copyright by the Author. All rights reserved. Used with permission.